Rejection and Abandonment in Relationships

Who knows what love is? Someone..??
It turns out that we don’t really understand love because we grew up in a world where we were taught a lot about love that is really not. The hottest scenes in the movies are not love but falling in love and a temporary hormone-driven illusion that is about to end soon. But of course this part of the film does not show us.

Who among us does not desire in this magical moment that the woman and the man vibrate with each other and kiss passionately to the sound of romantic and sensual music? In life it does not even start like this, certainly does not continue in this way over time.

Falling in love is wonderful because nature generates us emotional manipulation aimed at bringing us closer to the other without recognition, and at a higher level of consciousness falling in love shows us the potential of the true love that we long to achieve. It is a kind of “Fake it antill yo make it” that produces an amazing sensation in our whole body and fills us with good thoughts about the other without having invested any energy in the relationship.

The thing is that in order to fall in love you only have to meet your programming in the form of the opposite sex, but to produce love you have to work much harder than that.

What are the chances?
Statistics say that most couple relationships last up to 3 months and then the dissolution from the temporary infatuation occurs and the reality becomes clearer. Those who survive the disappointment continue to create a bond of true rapprochement that requires investment and learning of the other, in the face of changing habits and investing time in building the relationship.

Those who survived a year will receive another challenge, and 3 years later another one. Those who have stayed together for 3 years will get a good chance of staying together for decades, although the statistics are changing for the worse as time passes.

Dear woman, when you are in pain in a relationship you sometimes do not want to see the truth because you are afraid to find out where you really are with yourself. When he does not fill the lack within you, a feeling of his abandonment may appear in you, while the real abandonment is your abandonment of yourself. When you divert your attention from you and abandon your body and consciousness a state of absence appears where love sould be received. When you can’t contain the feeling of loneliness, you run away from you and enter a state of disconnection between body and mind.

This absence appears as an abandonment in your body experience, which can increase its distancing from you.

Emotional Independence
The challenge for all of us is to differentiate between our emotions and the other person’s feelings, to develop emotional independence and the ability to handle and deal with emotions and situations. This is a stage of maturity in which there is no longer a parent to caress the child, while there is a subconscious expectation in us that the partner will take the role of parent.

People find themself in a dying relationship and are afraid to leave and cause to the other the pain that reminds us of the pain that others have caused us. When we abandon someone we experience in ourselves a kind of abandonment that raises the fear of rejecting others. The fear of rejection acts both on the repulsive and on the rejection.

The repulsive who is afraid of rejection
will often agree with things that that are not align with ones values, or will say to the other “no” in an unkind and aggressive way, out of fear of hurting or insulting the other. When we say “no” to the other from a place of self-acceptance (of the “no”) it will be accompanied by an energy of love and respect for the other. When we are connected to our essence then our “no” will be accepted with understanding by the other side and with little or no resistance.

When we think we have to fight for the “no” and our independence, or think that our “no” will not be accepted by the other, so the other person will recognize the doubt and realize that our “no” has not yet been decided. He will recognize the possibility of changing the “no” that symbolizes rejection and will begin to fight for his life in order to accept the “yes” that he perceives as restoring life.

Desires Clarity
People are afraid of our ambivalence, no, yes, maybe…
As a man, when a woman tells you “no” then you better ask her what she “doesn’t” want. She usually tells you “not like that, not in this way, come differently, come from another place” and many times “not now”.

As a man you decide that you are interested in the woman according to the sensory and visual stimulus as the first thing, and then you will begin to approach her, checking whether she is available to receive you.

As a woman, you usually won’t know if you want him before he approaches you. When he comes to you, you feel and examine your will according to his presence that awakens in you the female magnetic force, and then you decide whether to open up or not.

This is how it works at the beginning of a relationship and so happens in the intimate relationships that are the physical reflection of this communication between the sexes .

The fear of rejecting the other
When he abandons you so you can always assume that he was wrong and remove responsibility from you, but when you abandon him it can leads to a different level of responsibility because then supposedly you have also sabotaged the relationship and hurt someone else, which can arouse in you a guilt feeling that is deeply socked in femininity. And it must be released and you should be acquitted of it because it is irrelevant and comes from your lack of understanding of what is happening to you in front of him.

In a dual relationship there is a delicate balance between holding the other and letting it go. Similar to the state of giving and receiving at the same time of holding the relationship but also releasing the other.

Dear man , think about living with her as if she had never been and will ever be yours, and over time your inner liberation within her will be revealed. You will understand that she is in contact with you because she wants to, not because you are afraid that she will go. When you are connected to your center then there is no effort but only presence in the present moment.

And those who are not really with you will go on their way now or later, and better sooner than later. Know that you cannot lose something that is not yours as much as you cannot lose something that already belongs to you. You really have nothing to lose except the illusion that you are in control of what belongs to you!

Dear woman , when you are in a relationship with him and he leavs – you never lose the one who abandons, because he never was and will never be yours. Whoever was there was you who with him and for him, as much as you wanted and could be. Your real fear is to lose you in the void, after your identification with the gift has become stronger and you fall in love with the filling of the lack but not with the being of the giver.

Your self with him became missing until you began to believe that there was nothing but the gift and fell back into loneliness and lack.

Remember where we came from
how many times it happened to us that we fell in love and forgot our close friends, and then we found out that it was an unfortunate mistake? Because when we met someone this is exactly the most important time when we need our friends most. It is useful that they ask us all the questions that we do not want to ask ourselves while we are drugged with an infatuation that does not see at all that one we are in love with.

This is a time when we also need them so that they will hold us not to ‘fall’ on the new other and create a sense of overload in him or her that will lead to rejection.

Falling in love
is similar to the situation in which we have a desire to eat candy every hour as a child wants, But a child does not notice that it is not healthy to eat a kilo of sugar at once. It tastes good and he wants more without being able to overcome his passion. If we come to the relationship from the place of a child then again and again we will get hurt,while we try recycling the relationship with the parents in which we have received ongoing love and inclusion.

The thing is that our partner will never be able or want to give us what they have missed from us and provide what mom and dad were for us.

Ambivalence in the relationship
You want to approach her but you come under the guise of a friend. If you are there then you better give up the child  cover who wants a lot of mothers and generates friendships that will receive and feed you with alternative love. Because if you want a woman then come as man while you overcome the childish need to receive free love.

Connect to your source to nourish her with the light of love in you, create trust with her and then come to her to influence and give her the your light, which will remind and reveal within her the love she saved for you.

The need for confirmation
Your desire to prove that you are worthy in her eyes comes from the place where you think you are not – because you have forgotten where you came from and where you are going. And only when you accept yourself as you are good, you will be able to rest and come to her from a liberated and undemanding place.

When you come to her with a fear of being rejected you will meet exactly the rejection that you are afraid of what will just sprinkle more salt on the wound.

Rejection
When she is rejecting  you feel that something is wrong with you and that you are not good enough. Which is not true because she rejected you for something did not suit in her. The conclusion develops within you is an erroneous conclusion that puts you in a mental and emotional “loop”.

This stage can rais a survival state causes you to pursue acceptance of yours by the other that can never exist in this way. Reality will continue to reflect you the rejection that lives within you until you agree to go inside and remember who you really are.

Liberation will arise at the moment you accept the scared child  within you and contain your loneliness. your self-acceptance will be reflected outwards as acceptance of the other to you.

Control
Dear woman, if you find yourself controlling him or allowing him to control you so you  are captured in the same game you are trying to free yourself from. Because if  you saw in your childhood and now you try to be the opposite of your mother, without noticing you become her mirror (just like her) while you think you are different from her.

When you respond to who she is you are not living authentically or expressing who you are in the world. And as long as you react to it so you depend and negatively attached to it.
And if you find yourself still fighting it so it is a sign that you are still in a kind of youthful rebellion which will make it difficult for you to start a healthy relationship.

Your reaction to her is a reflection of what she sent you in the past which sets you up to be similar to her in the way you fail to love yourself.

Now it’s time to be curious about your life and give up the reaction to the external voice that appears as your mother’s voice, while surrendering to the inner voice that is slowly emerging within you.

Deficiencies
The human are lonely, wanting together, looking for completion, thinking about continuity and survival…. These are the deficiencies of the human being. On the one hand the lack is our main driven force to look for a partner and on the other hand it appears as the main hindrance to find it. When we project this lack to the universe it must fulfill it in reality.

These are the laws of the universe whether we like it or not. We want the other person to give us and understand us in a way we start attructing something from him. Whether it’s knowledge, energy, attention or anything else. We will usually find ourselves with partners who are opposite to us in nature, or with partners who are very similar to us. With both of them we will end up creating a relationship that will put before our eyes the deficiencies we have come to have a relationship with, which will force us to develop and serve our growth.

The Reason for a relationships
In the depths of our hearts we connect with the other to learn the lesson and grow to the next level of development. (Each human encounter as a growth lesson). A relationship confronts us with our greatest fears and gives us an amazing and important ground and space for growth. We are looking for a home for our consciousness so we will bring our spiritual knowledge to life and fruition.

If the opposite sex partner remains authentic and allows us to fully express ourselves, the result will be the creation of love relationships.

Our great fear in a relationship
there is a deep longing within us to connect with the opposite sex and equally with it ther’s a great fears. We are afraid to open up and be exposed lest we be harmed, afraid that we will not be accepted, that we will be abandoned, that we will lose the freedom to do what we long to do in the world.

Men are afraid of losing freedom and not fulfilling themselves, afraid to lose themselves within the relationship (within the woman) and deviate from the realization of their inner vision of the world. They think deep in their hearts: “If I drift into her I will lose myself and not be able to be who I am in the world.  then she will abandon me and I will be left homeless again.” And in this fear lays also the truth in the face of the role of the man in the relationship. because the essence of the male is to be source connected and influencing.

In the relationship with her he will have to remain connected to the source of abundance without being engulfed in the femininity depth when she’s pulling him into her. He is afraid of losing his link to the universe and to the divine, and he is torn between his desire to find a home within her and his loyalty to the Source.

Women are afraid of male aggressiveness and the fact that they will not be strong enough to remain within them facing large spectrum of emotions they experience, she afraid he will run away in the face of the pain of separation they carry within her. There is not a single woman on earth who does not carry within her a longing for a male presence within her, in the face of a loss of faith in the male ability to be connected when he comes to her and stays within her.

This state of distrust on her part produces a rejection of the man and the imposition of a series of difficult tests for him to enter her, which usually leaves her empty and misses or she will fill herself with an unworthy substitute but not a real presence.

Defense mechanisms
Fears of abandonment and rejection are fears that easily sabotage our ability to enter into or remain in a relationship as our defense against the initial experience of separation that is in the subconscious.

In many cases we will abandon the partner first so as not to experience oter abandons us. In these cases the person who abandons may feel deeply guilty and will try to compensate by giving up on ones values and sometimes by causing mental harm to oneself and others. In other cases we will find ourselves entering into a relationship that does not suit us in order to maintain control of the relationship so that we can abandon at the right moment while explaining to ourselves that the relationship was not suitable, only not to be abandoned by the other.

We will usually avoid seeing the fear of abandonment and invite to our life dependent people who will stay with us and will not leave us, while creating a manipulative and unsatisfactory dependency relationship.

Survival anxiety
When we are afraid of being abandoned we secretly believe that if we are abandoned then we will die. It is a fundamental survival fear that comes from knowing that we need others to survive. It may happen that we are completely managed by this fear but we will never admit it to ourselves. The fear of being abandoned can easily take away our vitality and joy of life and instill heaviness in the other.

Independence
In a dependency relationship we may lose our identity and forget our values just to get a cure for the main fear – abandonment. “Just don’t walk away from me, please.” “If you leave me, I’ll die.” “You are my whole world” . It is the sweet lie that continues to dictate to us the quality of the relationship and we become its slaves, while not seeing that we serve the fear nor the love.

It is important to remember that any person who is afraid of rejection is also a repulsive. Example: You see someone on the street and want to approach her but afraid that she will reject you, as long as you do not approach you reject her in advance. You will be soaked in the energy of rejection and will believe that you will not be accepted. As long as you think you will be rejected the inner lie will continue to produce a permanent rejection, and the fear of survival will fulfill this belief in reality.

From this it follows that even if you enter into a relationship you will not really be present in it and will not allow it to approach you. If you won’t really open up to her so she won’t be able to touch you inside and bring to you the love you need to heal yourself.

Most of the time you will take care of yourself accompanied by a thought: “If she touches me and finds out that I am afraid of being abandoned, she will leave me.” And this behavior is unconscious and manages the relationship while the conscious mind tells a completely different story.

Giving up on myself
In a state of abandonment fear is likely that you will devote yourself blindly to the other while thinking you do not have the ability to selectively choose. You will think that you do not deserve her and will only want her to accept you without checking if you even want to be with her.
Rejection anxiety appears at the beginning of the relationship and abandonment anxiety will appear after the relationship has started. The same subconscious fear of being left alone and extinct.

Satisfying the needs
Fear of rejection and abandonment will lead us to behave inauthentically while giving up our values to satisfy the needs we think the other expects us to fulfill. We wear a mask and give up our sense of vitality in the relationship and start paying a price at the very beginning of the relationship. After all, we can never guess what the other person really expects/wants from us, and even if we do, we must be true to who we are so that we do not experience our own fear of loss within the context.

Because you see,
the real price to pay is to lose ourselves within the relationship and to feel unexplained loneliness.

The beginning
It is important that we look at our barriers at the beginning of the relationship and that we understand our expectations of the other within the relationship.

For example: he didn’t call you and you feel he doesn’t love you anymore. The fear of abandonment rises and you start to behave obsessively, which pushes him even further away from you.

And it doesn’t matter how much you try to manipulat him, the fear will appear to a large extent if you don’t get down to your depth and deal with it. Because if you got into a relationship out of fear of not being loved, there is a reasonable chance that this relationship will become your whole world and you will cling to it to the point of being heavy and distant.

Jealousy
Envy comes from the fear of losing the other and it rides on the feeling that we are not worthy of love. She talks to someone on the phone and you imagine that she is going to leave you and jealousi arises. He met a friend from the past and he sits down with her for coffee and you start to get jealous and full of negative thoughts about him and about her (even though you don’t know her). Most often an obsession of jealousy is not based on reality and is full of survival and irrational anxiety.

Take out a situation of true infidelity or distancing and then envy is appropriate. Jealousy is an emotion designed to preserve the survival of the human race so that we keep our partners from other suitors, and it is interesting that when there is a real cause of jealousy it will experianced in a different way and very different from irrational jealousy.

The  unrealistic  jealousy is an emotion that arises in an uncontrolled way and the mind begins to develop a whole movie scene around it – a horror one of course. The movie scene tells you that if the other leaves you so you will cease to exist and you start acting like it’s your last choice to survive. You will think destructive thoughts and experience tremendous pain or even act in a humiliating way that has nothing to do with the love you want to be or receive. The lie will tell you that if you continue to act in this way you will get the other back so that and xperience love again.

The lie will imprison you within it and you will legitimize your actions even though you will no longer recognized yourself or know the thinkiner,  you will develop a self-rejection that will be reflected to the external by the other moving even further away from you. Even if he gets closer you won’t be able to experience his love because the trust in you has been damaged and he will become suspicious to you.

To come from a healthy place
If we know how to be in relationships and stay connected to the truth and know who we are, we will be able to come close without the anxiety of getting lost in them. Dual relationships are similar to two magnets that face each other and are strongly attracted to collide with each other. And as much as we want to let go and allow them to collide, we must keep this tension alive to allow duality to continue to exist in the world as it is obliged to be.

In other words, if we surrender to our nature then the relationship will end in pain, so we must remain connected to our center to continue having the relationship and thus also serve the other.

Just before we enter into a relationship with a opposite sex partner we better first establish our relationship with ourselfs on the physical, mental and emotional level – until we reach a level of development and awareness at which we know how to trust ourselves. It is a necessary basis to be able to enter into a healthy and nutritious relationship, otherwise we may get lost and get out of contact with additional scars on wounds that have not healed yet.

Dear woman where life takes place
As soon as you free him but still want him within you, want but don’t need him for your existence, then you will be able to experience the perfection that you miss most in loving him while freeing him to be who he is.

In a state of liberation you will get up every morning and be ready for him to go and teach yourself that he will never be yours but only with you. Because he is a guest within you and you are the most amazing hostess can be for him. Remind yourself that he wants to stay in you because this is the place he chooses to be. You will know that you are complete and perfect by the mere fact of being a woman (Ash-Ya = gods-fire) and you will remember who you are beyond form and words. You will once again know that this guest has been cut off from you in the distant past of your being only to come back to you again, so that you may host him within you and be love again.

Author: Ilan Aviv

Responses to Abandonment and Rejection:

Parity By: Rita April 16, 2020
Very powerful article! I would love to consult on a guy I had been dating for three months, he loved me and everyone around him saw about him too.he showered me full of warmth and love and I flowed with it and fell in love and I probably showed it too and he got cold feet and decided to claim to take a break what mine implies as a farewell. The whole relationship he would tell me that he doesn’t understand why he deserves all this goodness and he has a very low self-esteem and he’s been hurt in his life by an ex who betrayed him, and feels that he has self-destruction, and I want to bring him back to me and not give up. How would you advise me to do this? And I forgot to mention that he shows me from the moment he left signs of life on social media even though I removed him and feels that he is still there.

New comment | Comment Remain Stable By: Ilan Aviv July 15, 2020

Hello Rita Although there is really no way to bring a person back into a relationship if he does not want to, let me recommend that you stay stable in your desire to be with this guy. First of all, be true to yourself, if you want it then let that desire be present and don’t try to repress it. It takes a lot of patience and determination, and yet to be free of his reactions. Live your life in the best possible way and broadcast to the world that is good for you as you are. It’s the best magnet for people to get close to you, and if they recognize it in one way or another, maybe the relationship will be renewed but be prepared for the fact that it’s not interested, for his personal reasons that have nothing to do with you. Love yourself during this time. Good days

Ilan Aviv

New Comment | Respond to a comment

Farewell by: Maya January 24, 2020

Hello :) For me, there was an unusual story. I am 25 years old and he is 18 but with the character of an old man :) We met at work, and for a whole month we were glued to each other, a really sweet and close relationship so that everyone around envied us. At the beginning of the relationship, I asked him to buy me gifts because I grew up without a father, and without any pampering from him in life. Now, the 18-year-old didn’t earn much and you could say maybe he earned less than I did. But I was always looking for a man to invest in me financially, precisely because I didn’t have it the way I always wanted. I thought I should demand less with him, but I told myself that it doesn’t matter how old my man is, he still needs to take care of me and buy me gifts. It started with perfume and then clothes. It is important to say that I never wanted to take advantage of it. Although at the beginning of the relationship I didn’t really want him, but later on I became addicted to him and the attitude he gave me. He tried to please me like no one did. It was important to him that I not reject or block him, as I told him I did with others. He wanted me to be attracted to him so he played the little man’s game. And I liked it, very much. One day he booked a vacation for us, and instead of saying thank you – I told him to show me the reservation (because I wanted to make sure he didn’t spare me). He took it very hard, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He took me on a call and told me that there was a side of me that demanded too much, and that I didn’t let him feel like a man. that I’m insolent. Nevertheless, on this day we have not parted yet. I was just hurt and walked aside and didn’t write anything to him that day, even though I told him I would write. The next day at work, I told him I wanted to talk to him (and I told him that I didn’t write him anything yesterday because I preferred to talk face to face). He turned pale. Tremor. He thought I was probably going to say goodbye to him. And I didn’t expect him to get ahead of me. He told me that he did not like my control of the relationship, that I dressed exposed to his liking (here he exaggerates, but he is very jealous in character), that the postponement of my gratification aspires to zero and that the relationship does not suit him. He said that’s not how he described the relationship he wanted. I asked him twice if he was serious. Said yes and asked if I had anything to add. I burst into bitter tears. The crying continued for several days. Suddenly I feel sensations that I have never felt before. Feeling of: how he stopped loving me like that. This sadness, to think that he no longer loves me, that I won’t be able to kiss him and hug, that I won’t have all this attitude from him anymore, etc… I wrote him deep messages about how I was crying and that I wished him nothing but good and all these things. I blocked it so I didn’t see a response. The next day at work, he came and wanted to talk to me, and I pushed him and didn’t want to talk. He waited for me anyway and I refused again. A friend at work convinced him to give me my time to relax. After 2 days deleted our photo from the social network, but continues to make me likes on Instagram. I would love an explanation about the whole situation – is it a fear of rejection in him? Did he stop loving me because he felt I demanded too much? Did I love him or did I just feel that I had a paternal attitude from him(it is important to say that he constantly called me “my girl”. It’s weird but I really feel like a girl and look like that too.) Didn’t he in advance really fall in love with me? He is a really jealous and self-centered type, mysterious. Not open. I would be happy for anything you have to add on the matter from your point of view. Thank you very much :)

New comment | Respond to a rejection and withdrawal comment By: Ilan Aviv January 29, 2020 Hello Maya and thank you for the sincere sharing I will begin my response with the fact that, despite the mature nature of the guy, there are great gaps between you in development and life experience, and this should be taken into account when looking at the relationship between you. From your sharing it sounds that beyond the authentic relationship you had, you were looking for someone to take you under his wing. Your requests to him to buy you gifts show the need for a protective and nourishing figure (who came from the girl’s place), which I doubt an 18-year-old guy would be able to give you over time, or even whether such a relationship could last. It’s pretty clear that there was a point where you pressed for pain inside him, and the straw that broke the camel’s back was also a point where the guy realized that he was getting into a game that he couldn’t get out of. Listen carefully to the feedback he gave you, and see how much you listened to him and acted to be considerate of him. You are indeed free to do whatever you want in your life, but when you enter into a relationship with another person, you should listen to him well and understand what he is telling you. The feedback he gave you talks about control, about your need to manage the relationship as you see fit, but that’s not how things work in reality – because there’s another person there. Strongly recommend that you sit down with yourself and write on paper your Ten Commandments for relationships with men. What are the fundamental principles that you see in a relationship with another male person? And then (just after you’ve written them all) check with yourself to see if you’re willing to keep these ten commandments in your relationship with the guy in question, or with any other guy. Regarding the current situation with him, I suggest doing a clarification and cleaning conversation with him. The beginning of the conversation is good to have your honest sharing about the places where you were not for him, and your personal experience from the direction things unfolded. Talk only about you in the conversation, without saying the word “you”. Talk only about yourself, and then let him respond. When he speaks, listen to him well. Even if you feel an unpleasant sensation or some other emotion arises, breathe and listen to it to the end. True listening can do wonders in such situations. Without trying to control the result, just be honest in front of him and listen to him to the end successfully Ilan Aviv

New comment | Responded to a comment by: Hananel November 21, 2019

Hi Shalom, I am a relatively religious person (wearing a kippah and keeping the Sabbath). I went out with someone who keeps touching for eight months. The conversations were fun and pleasant for me, but we didn’t feel that anything deep enough was developing. We didn’t feel there was any love here. Therefore, she cut out of the relationship and I felt at first depression and sadness that later developed into longing. It is important to note that it has a lot of good qualities, and these are the good qualities that I dreamed my wife would have. I myself am a very closed person, introverted and not liberated and maybe this bothered her. Communicating with people has always been the weak side for me. But sometimes the conversations with her blew me away from the time in a different way. Still, I was always scared and thought about what we would talk about during the meeting, because I didn’t want me to get stuck and have a strange silence. When she cut she told me I was a lovely person, and that I was sure I would find the one. I realized I wanted her, and I couldn’t think about her being with someone else. I had feelings of lack and emptiness. It sounds like I love her but I actually don’t feel the “butterflies in my stomach” like people feel and say that “how do you only meet her once a week” I suggested to her that we increase the number of meetings a week, but we were both very busy. We would meet once a week, and talk once or twice on the phone during the week. When I told her that I didn’t want to give up the relationship, she didn’t want to go on and said that at the moment renewing the relationship would be more harmful than helpful and that Haya needed her peace of mind right now. She also said that we would look at the relationship in six months if we had the possibility (and we would not be in other relationships) for more than a week after me, I decided to make a change and turned to a psychologist. I research the internet and look for every possible help for me.
I would love good advice.

New comment | Comment Want or afraid of losing By: Ilan November 21, 2019

Hello Dear Hananel While reading your post I had a question about your desire for that girl. And I suggest you explore with yourself, how much you really wanted her during the 8 months you were in touch. I hear from you a technical description of 8 months with another person, and do not hear emotion or passion there. Don’t know if that’s your way of expressing yourself or if there really wasn’t any particular passion on your part. It is a familiar and well-known reaction that as soon as we leave us we suddenly want the person back, even if we did not really want him during the relationship. It is about the anxiety of abandonment and the fear of losing (the control mainly), and it raises the need to restore the situation to its previous state, even while renouncing loyalty to oneself. See something a friend, a woman who meets with a man wants to be desired. Even if there is no contact between you, she will feel if you want her. This is not something to say to her, but something that goes through the feeling. In energy between people. I suggest that you look at the 8 months in which you met, and imagine for a moment that you are still together. Return in memory to one of the usual encounters that were between you, and remember yourself sitting there in front of her. Are you really happy to be with her? Are you excited? Does she do it to you? Do you have a friendship? Intimacy? It’s a good conversation you would have had with yourself at the very beginning of the sessions, but even now it’s very relevant. As for meeting with her for another six months. As long as you have not reached a clear conclusion with yourself, and as long as the desire for it does not light up within you, the result will be similar. One of you will get up and go. Now that she’s away, it’s a great time to look inside. Do not rush to change the longing. Listen and learn yourself. It’s a valuable gift. And I’ll tell you more. That if you were 100% honest with yourself, and you came to a place of true passion for it, then pick up the phone and tell what you went through and express to her the new place you are in. But. Do it only if it is real and only if you are willing to dare, and only if you are willing to absorb rejection and change. When you’re real with yourself, and you’re real with her, she’ll react to it. Women respond to authenticity and dignified directness immediately. And if you have come to the conclusion that it is not attractive enough for you (as a person and also sexually), then it is a good time to let go and open up to meeting someone else. Welcome to share here

good days
Ilan Aviv.

New comment | Comment to the comment I will only add and say from: Hananel November 22, 2019

My will has always been, also basic friendship. Passion arose in me – two or three times I just wanted to kiss her. A constant desire is not, and a desire to be near her all the time is also not. Intimacy would come and go. I’ve always loved my heart, and being with a person all the time isn’t something that’s easy for me or wakes up for me. Unfortunately I say of course I am 25 years old if I did not mention

a new comment | Comment Thanks for the comment Ilan By: Hananel November 22, 2019

It really sounds like abandonment anxiety to me, I didn’t really think there was such a thing. Why can’t I love? I ask myself the problem is with me, it was perfect. I just can’t create chemistry and emotional connection with people, and that’s always been the case. It’s not just in front of girls. Unfortunately, I feel that I won’t be able to get married unless a profound internal change comes. Even with my good friends, my conversations are always dry. I feel that this is due to selfishness (that no one cares about me), that I am quiet and introverted, not liberated and have no opinion on many issues. That’s why I went to a psychologist and I’ve been with her for 2 treatments to make a change. But she always tells me that everything is fine with me and that everything is in my head and that I should only change my line of thought and not think negative things about myself. Yesterday I didn’t hold back and picked up a few rings for her. She didn’t answer, but she’s not the kind of person who would block me because it’s not in her character. It’s too good to do such a thing. Looking for ways to change and not succeeding at the moment. I feel like I don’t have to attack my character but use certain tactics to make a difference. I would be happy again for your advice

new comment | Responded to the comment Change and Environment By: Ilan Aviv November 22, 2019 Thank you for your honest sharing Hananel. It seems that you are looking for change and also want to get out of the circle of fabrications, but do not know how to do it. I think you’re missing a critical variable in the equation, and it’s called a “suitable environment.” See it this way, that we humans are creatures of the environment. This means that we are overwhelmingly affected by the environment, and it is impossible for us not to be affected by it. We can change the level of its influence on us through awareness work, but eventually it will affect us, and its influence will penetrate all the way to the bones. When a person is looking for a fundamental change in his life, or wants to change something in his behavior/thoughts/mindset, he must look for a suitable environment to make that change. When I talk about an environment, I am talking about a human environment. Find people who go in the same direction, who want the same things in life, and join them in working together. I think that working with a psychologist can give you tools for life, but their real application is good to have in a group setting, otherwise you will have nowhere to practice using them. If you have the option of moving somewhere else, or joining a social circle that suits your development, then it would be good to do so. And if not, then recommend that you look for a group that does awareness work, and join it. In this case I would go for a religious or secular group. Doesn’t really matter. Perhaps even a secular group will be able to challenge you even more. And a challenge is something important that will come up within such a group, because it will be your main material for getting inside and making a change. Your honesty is beautiful when you wrote that perhaps the levity comes from selfishness, and for this a few words: there is nothing wrong with being selfish, as long as there is self-awareness. And here it is important to make a distinction between selfish and egocentric. Because a selfish person will be the one who observes himself enough to establish a good and comfortable life for himself. He will take care of himself at such a level so that he does not harm the environment. The reason why he will not want to harm the environment will be this, that he will understand that if he harms others, he will not be able to live comfortably. Egocentric will be the person who wrinkles reality to be comfortable for him, even if on the way it will hurt as many people as necessary. It’s a different approach from the selfish. So I say, that if you are already selfish, then go for it to the end! Be so selfish that you take care of yourself properly. Train yourself to be a person who creates good relationships, who actively participates in the celebration of life, until life becomes a good place for you. And if you do this you will see, that you will have no problem testifying about yourself as selfish, because your concern for yourself will benefit both you and everyone around you good days Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment I feel stuck By: Shiran August 8, 2019 At the age of 15 I had a friend, for the first time I learned from it to love . I really liked him on a level that every day I thought about him but then he betrayed me with a friend and it hurt me a lot. I am 17 years old and until now I have not been able to fall in love, I constantly reject boys who want to go out with me . But I do not reject boys who want only as a friendship . In general after he left me for a year I did not want to go near the boys or even talk to them . At least it’s a bit past and I’m not afraid to talk to boys but still I feel stuck I don’t know what to do, why do I reject boys who want to go out with me even if they’re nice to me?

New comment | Respond to comment move away or get closer By: Ilan Aviv November 4, 2019 Hello Shiran First it is important to make a distinction between love and attraction and dependence on another person. Love is a true desire to be close to another person and give him the best in you. Dependence can be interpreted as love, but it is a fatal mistake that many make, because it is not possible to love another person if dependent on him intrinsically. I wish I could give you a magic recipe that will prevent you from cheats in the future, but there isn’t one. What I can give you, is an important tip about the next relationship you’re getting into: start with your friendship with the person, and put aside the sexual aspect of him and she. Take time to get to know the person in front of you, just like you know a new friend and are interested in their personality. Notice how passion can blur the senses and common sense, and in this place let the mind be the leader and not the emotion. If he is in a hurry to get to sexuality, explain to him that you need time to get to know him. It will be a wonderful opportunity for you to observe the type of person in front of you. I’m sure that if you were sharp-minded when you met the guy who betrayed you, maybe you wouldn’t be in a hurry to get into a relationship with him at all, or you would put an emphasis on other places in your relationship. Regarding the fear of entering into a new relationship, go for the recommendation to come from a place of a friend and not a woman. You will see that when you take out the sting of sexual play with people, a new space of acquaintance between people opens up. The imaginary threat and the fear of failure recedes, and a simple connection between man and man remains good days Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment J Abandonment and Rejection From: June 21, 2019 Ingenious article . Special. And touching.

New comment | Respond to the comment Fear of entering into a relationship From: Roy May 13, 2019 Hello First of all, so here’s the thing: me and my friend have been in touch for a long time (3 years more or less) and there is excellent communication and chemistry and attraction from both parties and everything, but every time the idea of getting into a romantic relationship comes up then she responds positively, and then things get more serious like a kiss for example or an official exit to a movie so the next day I get a berks of life from her claiming that she “can’t do the It” or “something in me wants to escape but I don’t want to” and in the end it comes down to the fact that she doesn’t let it happen. That’s how it was a year and a half ago, and that’s how it happened a few days ago after we kissed (not for the first time). The last time this happened we stopped talking for two weeks and a bit, and then I forgave on the condition that she would never do it to me again. Because if so, I end the relationship. It’s not because I’m going to punish, God forbid, but because I have some self-respect and it hurts to be stepped on. I’m really trying to understand why this is happening to her and she herself doesn’t know why it’s happening to her. and refuses to go to the psychologist. But she does not behave completely innocently and plays the role of a friendly relationship and nothing like I was aiming for after the first time, but throws insinuations. Talks about how much she loves me and tells me that she wants me but that when the Money Time comes to prove herself she gets stressed and runs away. I try to be as sensitive as possible and talk to her about it. Get to the root of the problem. But there seems to be no way around it. She justifies it by saying: “I’m scratched” which is not a good enough excuse. I’m at a loss. It’s hard for me. (18 years old)

new comment | Comment touching not touching By: Ilan Aviv May 29, 2019 Hello Roy It sounds like you are in a relationship with someone who is not sure what she wants, or she wants but is afraid. Before the advice and before the actions, it is important to understand that any couple’s relationship / of him and her, must start with a simple connection of people – there must be a basic friendship there. And friendship starts with communication, conversation, looking in the eyes and knowing how to share and ask questions – and then listen. I promise you that if you ask her the right questions, and also be brave enough to listen to what she says, you will understand why she is evasive. Not to ask her why she is evading, but to ask other questions and listen to her to the end. Listen carefully and listen. And beyond that. It is important to understand something about women in general: women want the man to want them, love them, know who he is, be strong. Note that half of it talks about connecting with them, and half talks about the inner aspect, that it can also be a life’s work to get to be a person who knows who he is. Since you are young, then start by asking yourself what do you want in life? A strange question right? What does she have to do with a girl who avoids you, right? Well, it is strictly related. Because women, they have extremely sensitive sensors, and they can feel things that men don’t. They are simply more sensitive to reception than men, especially for those who want to reach them. And if you have learned to get into you and find out who you are (at least the basics) and also realized that she is absorbing something from you, then there is already a good start to the next encounter with her. Now another important thing, women immediately pick up if a man needs them and reject him for it. Note.. If you come to her because you need something from her, you lost in advance! Come to her as simply as you are, and take into account that you will not receive anything from her in return. Don’t let it change who you are in front of her. You will remain kind, deep, interesting and caring. Look her in the eye and do not rush to approach her physically. Let her take the plunge. Hold back. Get over it. Yes, that’s where the word “man” comes from. You will overcome your needs and then you will be a man. Try to be with her once a whole evening without touching her at all, even without trying. And yet you will be mentally close to her. You will be with her the most intimate but without touching. See what happens to her when you don’t need anything from her. You will see something else there. “Scratched” is what she calls a pattern of behavior that she knows herself, and most likely she has heard others tell her this about her, but once she found a name for him and tagged him, he became fixated and she no longer tries to change it. Don’t give a hand to the “scratched” tag, because there’s a situation where it’s far from being one. Because usually people are scratched, light years away from knowing they are like that :-) I’m betting she’s a very intelligent girl successfully Ilan Aviv member

New comment | Responded to a comment Consultation by: Ruth September 24, 2018 I was in a relationship for 3 months and the guy left me in my opinion for the reason you described in the article that he feels he is losing his way when he depends on me. In some place we will be stressed by the proximity. I think we have a really good foundation and I would like to bring it back to me. How can I do that? He wants us to remain friends, is that the way to go? Thank you, Ruth

new comment | Comment A child who runs away By: Ilan Aviv May 29, 2019 Hello Lia apologizes that only now you are getting an answer. We just haven’t seen this reaction of yours until now. As for the child who looks and runs away, he wants but is afraid to approach. Just take the initiative and get closer to him. There is no need to wait for it to come to you, because it does not always work that way in reality. Even if you can create a situation where you meet him as if by chance and ask him a question, like that without him even feeling that you want to get to know him, then what’s good. Do not give up if it interests you, just take the step successfully good days Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment What do you mean By: Lia February 26, 2017

There is a boy I love and he knows it not I told him but the eye is different he constantly runs away from my right but at the same time he also looks at me and waits at me and I don’t have the courage to get close to him what do you mean what do I have to do I would love to do any she please Lia

new comment | Comment Advice from: Ilan Aviv February 26, 2017 Hello Lia, sounds like he is afraid to approach, ashamed and avoids. It’s the same fear of being rejected that I wrote about in this article. I suggest approaching and starting to talk to him in a natural way, putting aside the fact that you are interested in him and approaching him the way you approach a good friend. Heat up the media. Being natural and real, it always works in life. Even if he prevents you from staying away, at least you will know that you have done your part. Good luck

Ilan Aviv

New comment | Respond to the comment Consultation by: Shimi October 28, 2015 in chapter 2.For the first time after a long period I experienced a great infatuation , after three months as the article The infatuation did not turn into love on her part. I thought it was possible to try to bridge the gaps that exist. I don’t know because giving up on me was too quick for my liking. What’s more, there are real shortcomings in the relationship . It is worth noting that there is a crazy longing of our teeth, not wanting to return to the place where the relationship is important and not love before.

New comment | Comment Falling in love By: Ilan Aviv December 4, 2017

Shalom Shimi falling in love is like preparing ourselves for the main campaign of the relationship. It has in it an infatuation from the immense illusion, and like a promise that everything is going to be pink from now on. But those who have already been in it, and today one woke up in great pain, can testify that this illusion does not last long, and that the real work must be done in the relationship, in order to create love in it – true friendship between people. Your sharing raises a question, is the “relationship” itself (which usually serves mainly culture) more important than the quality of the relationship (love), and the social (non-sexual) relationship with the other person? Since a period of time has passed since you wrote until I answered, I would love to hear from you what happened to the relationship, and are you together in love?!

Good days
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment Interesting article by: Omar October 15, 2015 Ilan Aviv Shalom, I have read the article mostly and must note that I identified quite surprisingly with the feelings you convey. At least with some of them. I deal with things you mentioned above in different cases with different girls and I would like to get more specific help from you in my issues, because it is not an ideal situation that I can continue to live with. I would be happy if you take this to your heart’s content and contact me

new comment | Respond to the comment Contact us by: Ilan Aviv December 4, 2017

Shalom Omer Although somewhat late, here is my response welcome to send me an email or contact through the contact us page

Good Days
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Responded to the comment End of a long relationship By: Malka September 24, 2015 Hello, I have been in a relationship (married) for over 20 years, there has always been a serious communication problem between us that has brought with it difficult fights and a lot of sadness and sorrow, but for the sake of peace at home and for the sake of my children and also probably out of fear of the reaction of my partner and others I stayed in this relationship. My partner is very dependent, suffers from independent pity, is not a happy type, complains, confronts everything, makes an issue of everything, is critical and is not ambitious in short a difficult person. In the past year, I have fallen ill to the point of hospitalization, according to the doctors, as a result of stress and emotional stress. And when a red light came on for me, I began to realize that I no longer wanted to stay in this relationship because it was not good for me, I feel that between my partner I derives all my strength and all the joy of life that I had, I no longer have the desire and strength to fight for us and so I decided to end the relationship. I don’t see a shared future and I’m happier when I spend time alone. When I sincerely approached my partner and asked for a time-out he replied that as far as he was concerned it was not possible either the relationship was terminated or we would stay in it. Since then, three months ago, his behavior has been fickle, he is excessively nice, does things for me that I used to have to beg, he makes connections with family members what previously did not interest him, he is very sticky, he searches my stomach to the point of suffocation, he acts as if nothing happened and everything is fine. He continues to expect that I would like his girlfriend and closeness and complains that if he does not accept it, he seeks contact with me excessively. He accuses me that with my decision I am destroying the family, hurting the children, hurting him and that he cannot live without me, and I have to think about others, and that I should wait for it. For me, this behavior further reinforces my decision to get up and leave. I live day by day under terrible stress and tension, and I have to take tranquilizers. What to do!

New comment | Responded to a comment by: Ilan Aviv September 27, 2015

Shalom Malka, Every relationship between people has a common direction and agreement on how to conduct within the relationship. When one of the people strives in the opposite direction of the other, or if there is no agreement on the way the two conduct and the fundamental values of the two, conflicts and power struggles will appear, both overt and covert. You are describing a state of fatigue and energy pumping, and from your description I cannot deduce what is the main cause of your energy loss. I’ll remind you of a basic thing: you don’t have to stay with your current partner, you can get up and walk at any moment! This is a premise to come from when you look at the problems that arise in your teeth, even before looking for the cause. You wrote that you decided to end the relationship, and yet you are describing to me the suffering you are going through. So strongly suggest that you respect your new decision, instead of remaining a victim of previous decisions you have made. If you had not made a decision to end the relationship, it would have been right to look for ways to maintain it in another way (which might have brought you to the same conclusion you reached, this cannot be known in advance) but as mentioned, you explicitly wrote that you decided to end it and therefore it is good that you at least strengthen the integrity within you and respect your decisions.

Good days
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment What to do By: September 5, 2015

Hi Ilan Aviv I am in a second round of contact the guy suffers from relationship anxiety. As soon as the bond is strengthened and a physical rapprochement is formed, it immediately disappears. He suffers from low self-esteem and thinks he did not satisfy me even though I really enjoyed it he does not believe me. I feel that he loves me from Todd, with a hug in his words and looks. He apologizes again and again for not calling and repeats that I don’t deserve this behavior of his, and it’s cool from time to time that he doesn’t know why it’s happening to him. He avoids meeting with me until I get angry and even then it doesn’t always work :) He explains to me that there is no one but me and that he is at home a lot or that he runs away to friends and events. We have been in touch for a month and have met twice. I started moving away recently because I got into a loop of wanting to help him and maybe I pressed too much. A few months ago we were also in touch and after a month he started to disappear. He said he had panic attacks and that he had been in psychiatric treatment with pills that he had taken them off and that he had not yet regained 100 percent. How am I supposed to behave in such a situation? Assuming there is emotion and a desire to create a relationship of course. Do I have to “be there” every time without judging? Should I disappear and make him understand that this is not the way to go? Or just be direct? I try to give him warmth and love, but I don’t know if he’s just taking me for granted or unaware of his actions? Thank you..)

New comment | Respond to a deceptive comment By: Ilan Aviv September 6, 2015

Hello Dear Questioner, As an analogy, you describe a situation of delusional dance in which you start dancing with someone in the first round, suddenly disappear in the second round and appear in the third, and even then there is only left for half a round. It is important to understand that a relationship between two or more requires the presence of the parties and a real willingness to stay together and invest in the construction of togetherness. Staying together in difficult moments is the main key and what will determine if there is a chance for this relationship to continue. The guy you’re talking about attests to himself as a withdrawn person who tends to disappear to people, who is in a period of panic attacks and doom, in psychedelic treatment on pills. He may be a charming guy with a heart of gold and a brilliant mind, but with all your sincere desire to help him, it’s not your role in the relationship you want to create with him because you’re asking for an egalitarian relationship – 2 friends who create something together (that’s my basic approach to a couple relationship). If you want to be his nanny/nanny/mother, then please. You have here a wonderful opportunity to strengthen your maternal emotion, only that a relationship did not come out of it, certainly not a successful relationship. It seems that human beings always have excellent explanations about the reason for their behavior, but couple relationships (and any other relationships) are based on actions and behavior in reality and are not constructed through excuses and words. Strongly suggests that you make a clear distinction between the strong desire you have to succeed in forming a relationship with a man (one or the other), and the person who stands in front of you and makes it clear to you in every possible way that he is not into it / unwilling / can not / does not want, to create it with you. The desire comes from a lack, and when reality does not fill this deficiency, illusions begin to develop to alleviate the pain that the inner void creates. Pay attention to the great gap between the words that come out of his mouth and his actions, this will be a bright spot for you in this relationship and in any other relationship you create in the future. Look for the truth, always the truth.

Good days
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment Relationship Conflict By: Liat August 10, 2015

Ilan Aviv Shalom, The things you wrote definitely “enlightened my eyes” but there is conduct that is unsolvable and I wanted to hear your opinion. I have a friend for a year who has been working with me and there is a strong attraction between us, there is understanding, conversations and common topics. The guy works with me. Every time we arrange to go on a date he disappears and makes himself not read my message. After two days he makes contact and I, in response, am hurt by his behavior, disappear and suddenly he starts chasing me and curling around me. I understand that you can’t build such a relationship based on games. It happened this week too. We arranged to leave and he disappeared… If in two days I don’t answer him, he’ll start chasing me. My question is whether to flow with him and give him the time (this way we will deepen the acquaintance and know if he is into it) or cut knowing that the guy is playing with my feelings, rejecting meetings and not ripe for a serious relationship.

New comment | Comment Start a relationship By: Ilan Aviv August 11, 2015

Hello Liat, you describe a situation where you set up a date with a person who works with you, and then you describe that he “disappeared”. According to my understanding, he just breezed out of the meeting and didn’t show up, if I understood correctly. When a relationship begins in such a way with a person (and I emphasize here the concept of “person”) then in most cases it will continue with the same quality, unless something fundamental has changed in one of the two, or another factor enters the equation. Quite simply, if someone breezes from meetings in a repetitive way, he is an unreliable person who is likely to continue to behave in a similar way, and trying to establish a long-term relationship with him can turn into an ongoing nightmare. You brought up a situation here that you called “games”, and here I throw you the ball back. Remember that in order for a game to take place, you need two or more, which means that you are an active player in the game with him, only apparently not a partner in setting his rules and therefore the frustration comes. I recommend that you be truthful with yourself at the first stage and ask yourself why you are even interested in an elusive person who does not keep his word?! And if you answered yourself honestly, then the next question should be: Where do you participate in the game with him and why aren’t you real with him?! I guess if you looked him in the eye and honestly asked him if he was interested in going on a date with you that might lead to a sexual rapprochement (relationship) between you, you could honestly listen to his answer, as well as observe his body language to understand what he was not saying. See the situation as a mirror of other similar situations happening in your life (not just with men) and go one step deeper into yourself to understand why you are creating them and what your subconscious is trying to tell you without success. Also keep in mind that men act differently than women, and their brains think differently. The connection between “friend” and “sexual attraction” is not perceived by every man as a desire for a couple relationship (in women most often yes), but can be easily perceived as an opportunity for a sexual relationship without the obligation to be with only one woman. I believe in direct and open communication, leaving no room for doubts and thoughts. Direct questions will reveal to you what you are afraid to discover, and even though it may be painful, they will save you a long period of heartache and ongoing suffering from the lack of realization of a potential that seems promising. Go with the truth Liat, write sharp and uncompromising questions on paper and ask him in the first conversation you will have with him. Even if you blush and experience an unpleasant emotion during the questions, at least you will get one step closer to the truth and be better connected to reality. In the end, reality will be your best friend, with whom you will continue to live, with whom you will get up in the morning and also go to bed at the end of the day.

Good days
Ilan Aviv

New Comment | Reply to comment by: Liat August 11, 2015 Ilan Aviv

Hello, First of all, thank you for your prompt reply. This is a guy who works with me, introverted, shy, lacks rich experience with girls and is 11 years younger than me. The situation is very delicate mainly due to the age gap between us that stands in the face of the strong desire for closeness. We have arranged to meet this week (after the meeting has been postponed several times) and I do not see fit to push him into a corner with pointed questions. His answers may be tentative, so the most correct is to let time do its thing. I intend to initiate further meetings and believe that in a short time I will know where the wind is blowing. If it were a guy my age (40) I would warmly embrace your recommendation and demand unequivocal answers as I have always done. The main point that bothered me until this week is that when I approach him, he moves away (for example, sends him a message with an offer for recreation) and when I am offended and show indifference, he suddenly asks for my closeness. I wanted to know how to get out of this vicious circle if it continued. I hope that love will prevail, we will be able to break boundaries and go only with our hearts (:

Thank you for your answer, Liat

New comment | Responded to the response anxiety of abandonment and rejection By: Idit September 15, 2011 The article is amazing and opened my eyes. At the moment I am in therapy and it has been made clear to me through it that my life is conducted following separation anxiety that I have probably experienced all my life.

New comment | Comment Projection by: Ilan Aviv September 18, 2011

Hello there The key word here is “projection”, it is a reality-obligatory sobering to understand that no other person will be able to solve your problems and your feelings. In certain processes that I have done with patients, it has happened and we have reached the distant past to treat the anxiety of abandonment, with others it was enough to understand the matter and practice taking responsibility and selfless love. I see the release of anxiety as a whole process and not an action for a specific solution. It’s an awareness journey that sounds like you’re already opening your eyes and seeing yourself as part of the fabric of life.

Good luck :-)
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment Maxim by: Dana March 7, 2011

Thank you very much Ilan Aviv! I have to read your articles every morning for internalization and full understanding. And then life will look different :) Thanks again .
Dana.

New comment | Comment Thank you Dana By: Ilan Aviv December 4, 2017

Thank you for the paragon and for reading

Good Days
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Respond to a rejection comment by: Moran August 21, 2010

Hi Ilan Aviv, I would be happy to share with you an internal process influenced by the article you wrote. Starting as a response to what is written and borrowed and continues to an internal resentment and written thinking, perhaps it will trigger some process for an article on the topics that arise or perhaps you have already written and you can share with me? Thank you, this Moran regarding rejection, I meet a phenomenon opposite to what you are describing. I feel that I am indeed rejecting my partner, who in my head all the time has the same movie of how much and going. It’s not bad for me in the relationship, but inside I suffer, I feel lonely and don’t get what I need, I feel weak and unequal, I feel like I’m neither happy nor alive, because something in me is stuck because of this relationship. Feeling stuck, feeling rejected, feeling unloved and unloving, feeling wanting to be somewhere else, feeling that freedom has been taken away from me, and constantly trying to be something that is not me, to want, to love, to contain, to listen while not wanting to be there, every time we are together I feel that I am poisoned from the inside. And that something in me does not value him, does not see what he does, does not see how he treats me or himself, sees only the shortcomings, only what does not work for me, only what rejects me and makes me think of him in a degrading way, and then inside me complains that he does not value me, that he does not approach me on his own initiative and does not give me love and light or appreciation, but lives in his own world, stuck in his head. What interests him is himself and his work and money. Turns the story upside down. I have too much free time, and we don’t meet so much, but once a week. Actually as it has always been avli because of referrals it now bothers me more. Indeed steals his energy, because she does not relate to him, closes, does not listen, is indifferent, mocks him, stings him, is poisoned, poisoned with my thoughts about him, judges, criticizes, does not appreciate, sees him in his weakness and in his moments of fatigue and impatience and not in his vitality and contribution. Sees only what is low and low and not the uplifting strength. I’m basically telling my own story, stuck in my own ass, constantly in my head wanting things to look the way I created in my head, to be perfect, to make me happy, to caress me, to love me, to buy me gifts, to make me, to breastfeed me, to cook, to pamper me, to appreciate me, to praise me, to strengthen me. None of this is happening and I feel neglected, deprived, lacking energy, weak, closed, miserable, feeling withdrawn, not wanting to make contact, feeling rejected as if something was wrong with me. Not looking people in the eye, feeling a bit off, feeling like dirty others and not clean or real and therefore not making contact, creating distance and closing up. Because fear of rejection, afraid of the reaction or supposedly knowing the reaction in advance, knowing that I will be rejected or not listened to or that I will say something wrong or something inappropriate and then just ignore and move on. So I just don’t turn, I don’t make contact, I don’t ask, I don’t talk, I don’t get interested, because I’m afraid they’ll recognize that I’m doing this in order to get out of my hands of duty, or not because I’m really interested, so silent, keeping a serious and interested face without saying a word, just smiling, making some movement with my head or some face and that’s the only connection that creates, unless it’s a person who has been next to me for more than twenty minutes and then sure that a conversation will develop and I’ll go through this barrier of fear of what They’ll say, either what they’ll think, or I’ll probably sound stupid, even though it’s almost all the time and then creates a show or tries to be something that’s expected of me more correctly what I think is expected of me. Most of the times the ego prevails over the authenticity, telling me that it is stupid what one wants to say, it is a pity to waste energy on an uninteresting conversation, from the filling you have nothing wise to say it is just an invention or an attempt to look smart so it is better to keep quiet. Or waiting so long for the right timing that you missed it when it arrived because I was afraid to open my mouth. And it’s suddenly identified in such a way that I’m just afraid of being rejected, and basically the fear of rejection I reject others, running away immediately in a small encounter on the path with another person, not daring to say anything beyond peace unless he initiated a conversation and I just listen and enjoy or say yes. Only in a situation where someone is very supportive, appreciative, reinforcing is very interested in what I have to say then speaks and shares and I will have the confidence and the strength to present what is inside me, if I don’t just let that weakness take me further and miss again and again an expression of the intelligence that came to me and wanted an expression or a special encounter with a person, or a small talk that allows for a little deeper acquaintance. My confidence sometimes appears that a group facilitator in motion and then there is no need for a conversation or guiding people towards therapy and there is no need for questions All the answers are known in advance, I mean when I am in a position of position then I feel more liberated. I recognize this spirit that eliminates what from me wants to manifest itself again and again just like the addiction. Like the familiar pattern that says tomorrow I will start a diet. The pattern in my head overcomes the authenticity in me from going out and expressing myself with illuminating freedom, and from my life to be revealed as the light and joy of being. How to allow the authenticity to flow, how to reduce this contraction that is repeated in the presence of others? How to stop being too aware of myself (when I’m being filmed all the time, as if someone was watching me and needed to look good all the time, look smart, serious or accurate)? Perhaps by seeking for myself a life in a journey of awakening meets these difficulties, these obstacles so that I can rise above them by understanding them, coping through them and accumulating experience? I felt that it was not easy for me , mainly because my life was a stream of vitality and happiness, contribution and service, inner peace and projection around without any accounting or differentiation. And now I feel that I deal with the sand more than with the sacred, I feel very preoccupied with the personal who takes the energy from me to invest in what uplifts and influences other people around me. I feel more entrenched in my own life, and even distant distances from my partner who lives by my side every day. Have I lost my way? Have I really separated or been cut off from myself? Because this is my greatest fear, that I have indeed left the line I was on and deteriorated into my personality, to trying to solve my problems from within myself or I have entered an uninhibited loop that leads nowhere? Where am I? Confused she felt. Ruby feels strong because she knows that she continues to try, to clarify, to discover, to learn from experiences, to return to me, to connect inwardly due to the internal external struggle that creates endless noise, to notice that you have been exposed to more tools that emanate from within me in my ability to take a position to forces that are trying to control me, to notice that in my part I have grown due to the disillusionment that within me there are things that are not as pink as I always thought and that I should place them in their appropriate place. I notice that because of the great noise that this experience creates within me, asking and asking within me and to me come opportunities to receive understandings and directions from reading, from books, from movies, from my teachers, from the behavior of others, watching and being open to what can offer me guidance to the place connected within me, the intention to be able to accept the different phenomena that meet my life within me. I understand that I am not alone in this story when reading the articles here and in other books, I understand that this is not a personal problem. and draws the strength to continue from the belief that in dealing with these weaknesses and transcending them will allow others to do the same in their lives. Notice that indeed we live on several levels. A lot of realities occur within us, each reality belongs to a different location, a location that can be momentary due to a connection to the higher than me, or a reality that arises from exposure to an idea that also resonates with me, or a reality that arises from the influence of another person on my presence, or a reality that arises from my expectations and then the disappointments, from my vision, from the service, from the effect of an uplifting inner process, from observation or a different life that lives within me – whether it’s the ego, Being a woman or a man, my age, my environment, my history, etc. And each time I am influenced by another, connected to another, speaking through a different influence within me, through a different position, thinking through the same location or speaking through another location within me. Can be very passive, while another part of me for a moment will be present and say who is this? This part, which I also read, I won’t recognize the passymics, because I’m usually very optimistic. Or could be very enthusiastic and theatrical and another part of me suddenly beauty and say who it is? What happened to her? Notice from this process that I have different opinions about myself, judge myself, or know myself by an identity I have created for myself, by experiences I have had, by something that is convenient for others around me and is afraid to change so as not to seem strange suddenly, or condescending, or unfamiliar. That basically all these are stories in my head because of the fear of changing, because of the fear of breaking boundaries of myself, or maybe the fear of what identifies itself inside me as such to suddenly be something else, unwilling to let go. So another question of how to allow myself to break through the boundaries of the familiar and stay alive? That is, what is inside me will indeed allow me to experience something new without the stories of my head taking me back to the previous state? Or more precisely: how to take a step towards change and continue into the change and not go back? Or maybe there is a process of change two steps forward and one back?

New comment | Responded to a deceptive comment by: Ilan Aviv August 30, 2010

Hi Dear Moran. I read what you wrote here in so much detail and while reading it I had a sense of doom and your uncompromising search for the truth. You are describing here a state of remoteness and fear that has masqueraded as so many deceptive forms, it seems that you are in an advanced process of awakening and need focus and support in the process. As you have already understood, the blame is not on your partner or any other person in the world, yet it is necessary to ask the reason why you continue to be in a place where you do not find yourself. Is there a fear there that keeps you going? What is fear? Your life force is largely wasted on resisting change that wants to emerge from within you, it goes to circular thinking that does not come to action. Ask yourself what do you like to do the most in the world? Why would it be worthwhile for you to get out of bed in the morning and start a new day? You are describing a state of closure to the world, it is a state in which you are in a closed self-circle that does not allow you to see yourself clearly. I think you need a reliable look to get out of this situation, you need people who see you clearly and reflect your place. Directs you to read the article “I am authentic” which is on the http://www.neworld.org.il/article/article.asp?article_id=677 site and also the article “The state of sleep” http://www.neworld.org.il/article/article.asp?article_id=679. These are two articles that I wrote recently and they can explain to you part of the process you are going through. If you would like to make a process and move forward from where you are, you are welcome to come to the awakening sessions that I lead on Wednesdays or contact me by email to schedule a personal meeting.

Lovely day
Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment No comment on Ilan Aviv’s articles By: Gali May 18, 2010 Each of his articles in itself from M.T.K. !! I’m petty about trying to explain :-)

New comment | Comment Thank you dear gali @:) By: Ilan Aviv May 29, 2019

It’s really fun to read

Ilan Aviv

New comment | Comment Amazing By: Yali March 16, 2010 Amazing article Exhaustive, scores a stamp, I found myself identifying with each and every line. It’s not easy for you. And I wish I’d internalize and implement what is written plainly, especially the last paragraph….. Wishing myself with all my heart.

Thank you so much for your wonderful contribution.
Yali.

New comment | Comment Delight By: Ilan Aviv May 29, 2019

Dear Yali, It’s been through so much Zen since you wrote this wonderful comment, and I wonder if this comment will reach you at all. And yet, a big thank you for the warm paragon. You see outside what is inside you, and it is beautiful

good days
Ilan Aviv

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