Ten Useful Ways to Have Better Conversations - Celeste Hadley at Ted Talk

0:11Ok, I want to see hands:How many of you deleted someone from Facebookbecause they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

0:22(Laughter)

0:24And how many of you know at least one person you avoidbecause you just don't want to talk to him?

0:29(Laughter)

0:31You know, once, to have a polite conversation, we would follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":Stick to your weather and health. But these days, with climate change and resistance to vaccines, these issues —

0:43(Laughter)

0:45Not sure anymore. So this world we live in, this world where every conversation has the potential to develop into an argument, when our politicians can't talk to each other and when even on the most trivial issuesthere's someone fighting with passion for both this and that, it's not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 adult Americans, and they found that right now, we're more polarized, we're more divided, than we've ever been in history. There is less chance of compromise, which means that we do not listen to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends will be, based on what we already believe. And again, this means that we do not listen to each other. A conversation requires a balance between speaking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we have lost balance.

1:34Now, part of that is due to technology. The cell phone you all have in your handis close enough that you can grab it really quickly. According to Pew Riserch, about a third of American teenagers send more than 100 texts a day. And chances are that many, or almost all of them, will text their friendsrather than talk to them face to face. There's a great piece published in The Atlantic, written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his children a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to talk about specific topics without using lists. And he said this: "I've come to an understanding… "

2:07(Laughter)

2:11"I came to the realization that conversational ability might be the most unappreciated ability that we fail to teach. Children spend many hours fiddling with ideas and colleagues through screens, but they rarely have the opportunityto hone their interpersonal communication skills. It may sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there some 21st century skillmore important than being able to have clear and safe conversations?"

2:38Now, I make a living from talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people I love. I talk to people I don't like. Sometimes I talk to people I don't deeply agree with on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes teaching you how to speakand how to listen.

3:03Many of you have already heard a lot of advice about this, things like looking people in the eye, thinking about interesting topics, discussing them in advance, looking, nodding and smiling to show that you are listening, repeat what you have heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all that. This is nonsense.

3:23(Laughter)

3:26There is no reason to learn how to show that you are listeningif you are actually listening.

3:34(Laughter)

3:35(Applause)

3:38I'm actually using the exact same skillsas a professional interviewer and in my normal life. Well, I will teach you how to interview people, and it will actually help you learn how to be a better interlocutor. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and please, without insulting anyone.

3:59We all had really good conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. Those kind of conversations after which you feel fascinated and inspired or when you feel that you have made a real connection orthat you have really been understood. There is no reasonwhy most interactions may not be so.

4:17So I have 10 basic rules. I will explain them all to you, but honestly, if you only choose one of them and control it, you will already enjoy a better Messiah.

4:26Number One: Don't multitask. And I don't mean just putting your cell phone or your tablet or the car keys or whatever it is. I mean, be present. Be in the moment. Do not think about the argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you'll eat for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half inside and half outside.

4:49Number Two: Don't be arrogant. If you want to express your opinionwithout the opportunity for a response or an argument or a push or growth, write a blog.

5:01(Laughter)

5:04Now, there's really a good reason why I don't allow experts in my program:Because they're really boring. If they are conservatives, then they hate Obama and food stamps and abortions. If they are liberals, they will hatebig banks and oil companies and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to get into every conversation assuming you have something to learn. The renowned therapist Scott Peck saidthat true listening requires putting yourself aside. And sometimes it means putting aside your personal opinion. He said that when he feels this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable andmore likely to open the inner corners of hisor her mind to the listener. Again, assume you have something to learn.

5:51Bill Nye: "Everyone you'll ever meet knows something you don't." I will put it this way: everyone is an expert in something.

6:02Number Three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, imitate the journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you ask a complex question, you will get simple answers. If I ask you, "Were you scared?" You will respond to the strongest word in this sentence, which is "scared," and the answer will be "Yes, I was" or "No, I was not." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They are the ones who know. Try asking them things like, "How was it?" "How did it feel?" Because then, maybe, they'll have to stop and think about it, and you'll get much more interesting answers.

6:39Number Four: Go with the flow. It means thoughts that will come to you and you will have to get them out of your brain. Many times we have heard interviewsin which a guest talks for several minutes and then the moderator comes back and asks a question that seems to come out of nowhere, or that has already been answered. This means that the moderator probably stopped listening two minutes agobecause he was thinking about a really smart question, and he was just ready and obliged to ask it. And we do exactly the same. We sit there chatting with someone, and then we remember the time when we met Hugh Jackman in a café.

7:16(Laughter)

7:17And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to cost you. You have to let them come and let them go.

7:25 Verse five: If you don't know, say you don't know. People on the radio, especially on public radio, are much more aware of the fact that they are documented, and so they are more careful about what they claim to be experts in and what they claim toknow with confidence. Do so, be on the warned side. Speech should not be cheap.

7:45Number Six: Don't compare your experience to theirs. If they talk about losing a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they talk about the problems they have at work, don't tell them how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It's never the same. All experiences are personal. More importantly, it's not about you. You don't have to take this moment to prove how amazing you areor how much you've suffered in your life. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQ are losers."

8:20(Laughter)

8:22Conversations are not an opportunity for promotion.

8:27Number Seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending and it's really boring,and we tend to do it a lot. Mainly in work conversations or conversations with children,We have a point to pass,So we just keep reformulating it over and over again. Don't do it.

8:45Number Eight: Avoid the details. Honestly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those detailsthat you're struggling to think about. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them outside.

9:07Number Nine:It's not the last, but it's the most important. Listen. I can't tell you how many really important people have saidthat listening is perhaps the best, the number one skillyou can develop. Buddha said, and I rephrase, "If your mouth is open, you don't learn." and Calvin Coolidge said, "No one has ever listened to themselves outside of his work."

9:31(Laughter)

9:33Why don't we listen to each other? Number one, we prefer to talk. When I speak, I'm in control. I don't need to hear anything that doesn't interest me. I am the center of attention. I can be proud of my identity. But there is another reason:we are distracted. The average person speaks about 225 words per minute,but we can listen to up to 500 words per minute. So our brain fills in the other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energyto actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You are just two people shouting sentences that are barely connected inthe same place.

10:13(Laughter)

10:15You must listen to each other. Stephen Covey said it really nicely. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intention of understanding. We listen with the intention to answer."

10:27Another rule, number 10, and that's it: be short.

10:31[A good bush is like a mini-skirt; short enough to keep it interesting,but long enough to cover the subject. — my sister]

10:37(Laughter)

10:39(Applause)It all comes down to the same basic concept, which is this: Be interested in other people.

10:49You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was a kind of ceremony in my home. People would come to talk to my grandfather, and after they left, my mother would come to us and say, "You know who it was? She was the candidate for Miss America. She was the mayor of Scamarento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He is a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew up assumingthat everyone has something amazing hidden about them. And honestly, I think that's what makes me a good facilitator. I keep my mouth closed as much as I can,I keep my mind open,And I'm always ready to be amazed,And I'm never disappointed.